


broken reflections

by worry



Series: little bits of stardust [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-10
Packaged: 2018-08-21 18:03:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8255239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/pseuds/worry
Summary: Simon will learn to view him as family. Wait. He'll learn to view the vampires as family. That includes Raphael, sad little hole in his chest, but he can't imagine Simon looking at him and thinking: family, belonging. Even after everything that has happened, even after Raphael watched Simon turn like watching his own reflection in the mirror. Everything pouring right out of him.  Raphael puts down his glass and stares at his reflection, looks at his face right up against the blood, thinks—"How do you do it?"(Raphael and Simon and mirrors.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: 221. broken reflections

Simon has been asleep for two hours, and Raphael can't remember a time without him - without  _this presence_ in his home. First night at the Hotel, first night with a new family. Something much too familiar.

 

Simon will learn to view him as family. Wait. He'll learn to view the  _vampires_ as family. That includes Raphael, sad little hole in his chest, but he can't imagine Simon looking at him and thinking:  _family, belonging._ Even after everything that has happened, even after Raphael watched Simon turn like watching his own reflection in the mirror. Everything pouring right out of him.  

 

Raphael puts down his glass and stares at his reflection, looks at his face right up against the blood, thinks—

 

"How do you do it?"

 

Simon is standing at his door. There's -  _loss._ On his face. Vulnerability. Simon is looking at him with  _vulnerability,_ and  _trust,_ and Raphael feels even colder. Feels even more vulnerable.  _Wrong,_ it's wrong, he has taught himself to ignore vulnerability and build up walls like reflections,  _but:_ Simon is at his door and completely trusting and Raphael doesn't understand.

 

"I thought you were sleeping," he says.

 

"Couldn't," Simon says. "I'm - I'm sorry. I'll go."

 

Simon walks out and the trust and vulnerability fades. Raphael sighs and  _aches._

 

"Wait," he says. "Come back."

 

He knows Simon can hear him. Enhanced hearing is not always a curse, except for when it is, except for when you hear things that make you ache, but...

 

"I'm just a bother," Simon says. "You've probably got other cool vampire business to attend to, and you should, you know, get back to that."

 

"It can wait. Come back."

 

"I... can't."

 

Raphael  _aches._ Inside. Rotting. He's not sure why he's letting Simon make him feel like  _this;_ he can't remember a time without Simon's presence in his home, in his life, and Simon is making him ache. It's like - looking in a mirror and seeing someone that you don't recognize. It hurts. It  _hurts._

 

How  _stupid,_ this weakness.

 

"What did you mean," he says, "when you asked me that question?"

 

"How can you look at yourself?" Simon asks. His voice is shaking like vulnerability, like an ache. "How can you look at your reflection and not hate it? Raphael,  _how?_   In the room you gave me, there's a mirror, but every time I try to look at myself, I..."

 

Oh, Raphael thinks. Simon doesn't  _know._ Simon doesn't know that when he looks at himself, he sees something different. Something abhorrent. A hate deeper than anyone can imagine.

 

"It takes time," Raphael lies. He is lying to Simon, because if Raphael can instill hope in him, hope that it will all get  _better,_ then he's doing something good, finally good, and the ache will go away. "I can help you, if you want."

 

"Yeah," Simon says faintly, words ghosting. Even with enhanced hearing, they're barely audible. "I'd... like that. Um. If you don't mind, that is."

 

Raphael takes Simon to his room, right up against the mirror, and whispers: "Simon, you have to see yourself in the way other people see you. Think about how Clary sees you. Think about how your family sees you."

 

"They probably see me as a monster," Simon says. "And - and  _my family,_ crap, I can't even  _tell_ them, I..."

 

"Calm down," Raphael says. "Think about... think about how I see you." 

 

Simon looks at him. "You want me to hate myself? Good going. This is helpful."

 

"I don't hate you, Simon," he says, and swallows, thinks about aching again; Simon thinks that Raphael  _hates_ him and Raphael's standing in front of a mirror again, after he was turned, trying to make himself seem like something other than a monster. The familiarity of it stings. 

 

"You don't? I'm... oh. Well. I kind of just assumed I annoyed the shit out of you and you wanted me gone."

 

"You do 'annoy the shit out of me', sometimes," Raphael says. "But I don't hate you. Simon, you're like..."

 

"Like what?"

 

"Like  _hope._ "

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading ! lmk what you think :0


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